Chapter 13: Ex-Girlfriends Are a Species That Should Not Exist

Inside the tiny room, the atmosphere dropped to a freezing point and grew exceptionally heavy.

It felt as though the surrounding air was about to condense and freeze solid...

Gu Mo lay deep in sleep upon the soft bed.

Sitting by the bedside, Hell King Jiang Jingxue tightly clutched the slightly blood-stained photograph. With clear eyes, she gazed blankly at Gu Mo, her mournful gaze filled with reluctance.

As for Xiao Yulou, the Head Corpse Brother, and the Furball Glutton, the three of them stood rigidly on the open floor beside the bed. They looked just like recruits participating in military training, not daring to move an inch!

...

After a long while.

Crack, crack, crack~

The Head Corpse Brother, his entire body emanating black Qi, turned his head mechanically.

Although the Head Corpse Brother had not yet attained the level of cultivation required for speech, those hollow and void eyes conveyed a hint of questioning.

"I'm a zombie, so standing here stiffly like this makes sense. But why are you two standing just as straight! How is anyone supposed to tell who the zombie is?"

Upon seeing this, Xiao Yulou, possessing the demeanor of an immortal crane, wore a bitter expression and whispered in a voice no louder than a mosquito's.

"Gu Mo is completely screwed this time! He already has a wife, yet he still harbors lingering attachments to his ex-girlfriend."

Just as he finished speaking, Xiao Yulou's eyes rolled, and he slowly added another sentence with an awkward expression.

"An ex-girlfriend is a creature that simply shouldn't be allowed to exist in this world!"

As soon as these words were uttered, the reluctant Hell King Jiang Jingxue slowly turned her head.

Swish~

The three figures standing rigidly like military recruits were instantly struck with a cold sweat, not even daring to breathe loudly. If humans could turn off their own heartbeats like machines, Xiao Yulou would have shut himself down decisively without a second thought.

Meanwhile, the Furball Glutton, eyeing Hell King Jiang Jingxue, instantly shifted its galaxy-like eyes and flew with a whoosh straight into her embrace.

Gurgle, gurgle~

Following a flattering cry, the Glutton immediately used its long tongue to scoop out a bag of potato chips and shook it a few times.

Rustle, rustle~

Faced with the tempting snacks, Hell King Jiang Jingxue shook her head in refusal for the very first time.

Seeing this, Xiao Yulou instantly held the Furball Glutton in utter contempt.

Such sycophantic and wretched behavior was simply unprincipled!

Yet, one had to admit that sometimes flattery could break a deadlock in an instant.

Afterwards, Hell King Jiang Jingxue let out a deep sigh and peacefully reached out to stroke the permed fur of the Furball Glutton.

Time ticked away second by second, proving to be a prolonged and agonizing torture for both Xiao Yulou and the Head Corpse Brother.

...

After a long while, a sorrowful-looking Hell King Jiang Jingxue raised her willow-leaf eyebrows and asked with a blank expression.

"In the mortal realm, do all young men harbor lingering attachments to their ex-girlfriends? Is this considered deep and unwavering affection?"

Hearing this, Xiao Yulou, clad in a black Taoist robe, instantly shed his tension, smiled, and flicked his sleeves as he spoke.

"Your Majesty, the mortal realm is different from the Underworld. Wretched behavior like Gu Mo's is generally defined as being a scumbag or a bootlicking dog."

Hearing yet another unfamiliar term, Hell King Jiang Jingxue immediately furrowed her brows tightly.

Swish~

Xiao Yulou, who had just let down his guard, instantly snapped back into a rigid military posture. Sweat burst forth from his back like bamboo shoots after a spring rain.

To his surprise, the very next second, Hell King Jiang Jingxue pulled out her phone, opened a certain short-video app, and began searching for herself.

When Hell King Jiang Jingxue finally comprehended what a "bootlicking dog" and a "scumbag" were, she unexpectedly stumbled upon the definition of a "sea king" (player).

Afterwards, Hell King Jiang Jingxue slowly turned her head to look at Gu Mo, and with deep affection in her voice, she asked.

"Could it really be that this deity cannot compare to that girl?"

***

Just as her voice trailed off, a bizarre thought suddenly flashed through Hell King Jiang Jingxue's mind.

Behold, this entity who supposedly lived on morning dew and abstained from mortal food...

Bah!

How could this silly Hell King be described as living on morning dew ever since she fled to the mortal realm?

That was pure utter nonsense!

Witnessing this silly Hell King, utterly ignorant of mortal secular ways, immediately turn her head to look at Xiao Yulou and voice a remarkably simple-minded notion.

"Daoist Priest Xiao, shouldn't this deity purchase a pair of Balenciaga stockings?"

Hearing this, all the living beings present were utterly bewildered.

Then, the immortal-looking Xiao Yulou flicked his Taoist robe and gave a light cough to mask his awkwardness.

"Your Majesty, what brings about such a thought?"

Hell King Jiang Jingxue slowly raised her head and asked, full of confusion.

"Don't men in the mortal realm all adore that hazy beauty of being half-exposed?"

At these words, Xiao Yulou instantly turned to stone. For a fleeting moment, he wanted nothing more than to sprint over to Carrot's barbecue stall and give Carrot a thorough, violent beating just to vent the hatred pent up in his heart.

"What on earth was Gu Mo's childhood friend thinking, buying a smartphone for the Hell King? Isn't this just stirring up trouble?"

Within a breath's time, Xiao Yulou's eyes darted around as he prepared to pin the massive blame squarely onto Gu Mo's head.

"Your Majesty, why not simply ask Gu Mo directly?"

Upon hearing this, the silly Hell King finally sighed, turned around, and tapped Gu Mo gently on the center of his brow.

In an instant, a faint wave of magic power surged into Gu Mo's mind, and the unconscious man finally fluttered his eyes open.

Upon waking and seeing the figures surrounding him, Gu Mo instantly twisted his facial features and asked in utter bewilderment.

"Hey~ What are you guys up to this time? Playing military drill?"

Hearing this, a fresh wave of cold sweat broke out across Xiao Yulou's back, while his heart roared in anguish.

"Heavenly Venerable, please end this awkward situation! Otherwise, this poor Taoist is going to sweat himself to death from exhaustion!"

Right after that, Hell King Jiang Jingxue stared at Gu Mo with profound affection, a delicate blush blooming across her jade-like face.

"Husband, why did you suddenly go berserk? Could it be that you still harbor lingering attachments to your ex-girlfriend!"

Faced with this, a completely clueless Gu Mo hadn't even figured out what to say when he spotted Xiao Yulou behind the silly Hell King gesturing wildly and mouthing words, looking exceptionally comical.

In the flash of a lightning strike, Gu Mo finally grasped Xiao Yulou's underlying message.

"Ahem~ How could that be? I, Gu Mo, am a man of upright character; naturally, I'm not someone who stays entangled in the past. It's just that..."

When Gu Mo reached this point, Xiao Yulou's heart skipped a beat, thinking: We're in deep trouble!

To his surprise, Gu Mo, lying on the bed, slowly sat up. Seeing this, the silly Hell King immediately reached out to support him.

Once seated, Gu Mo gazed back at the silly Hell King with equal affection and spoke softly.

"My dear wife~ What shouldn't have happened has already happened. Just think, if that completely unrelated woman had lost her life because of me, wouldn't my actions be considered a grave sin?"

While these words sounded somewhat reasonable, they were, in truth, absolute nonsense. Only the silly Hell King, entirely ignorant of mortal romance, could have been completely bluffed by Gu Mo.

Within a breath's time, the silly Hell King nodded in a hazy, half-understanding manner.

"What my husband says actually sounds somewhat reasonable."

Seeing his wife's reaction, Gu Mo secretly let out a massive sigh of relief: 'Damn it~ I finally managed to bluff my way through.'

Before the silly Hell King could snap out of it, Gu Mo gently took her delicate hand and continued.

"Out of three thousand rivers of water, a single ladle is all I, Gu Mo, need. My wife has long since occupied every corner of my heart. At first, I simply didn't expect that the one knocking on the door would be a zombie!"

Hearing this, the silly Hell King lowered her head in agreement, the shy blush on her cheeks instantly becoming unmistakable.

Following that, Gu Mo turned his head and exchanged frantic winks with Xiao Yulou. The exceedingly wretched Xiao Yulou immediately gave a light cough and asked very cooperatively.

"Brother Gu, what on earth is going on here? Why would that wandering zombie shadow come knocking on your door?"

***

Upon hearing this, Gu Mo was left thoroughly dizzy by the multitude of questions. The wrinkles on his furrowed brow were deep enough to crush a mosquito.

"Yeah, I'm completely baffled too. How on earth did a zombie end up knocking on my door out of nowhere!"

With that, Gu Mo raised his gaze to Xiao Yulou and the Head Corpse Brother, asking, "Brother Xiao, Brother Corpse, what happened afterward?"

Xiao Yulou flicked his Taoist sleeve and recounted the entire sequence of events from beginning to end, detail by detail. Meanwhile, the mute Head Corpse Brother stood rigidly in place just as before.

Hearing of these bizarre and unfathomable events, Gu Mo felt completely numb. Of course, Xiao Yulou skillfully omitted the scene where the Furball Glutton licked the ice cubes.

In the span of a breath, Xiao Yulou drew a pack of cigarettes and some drinks from his sleeve and distributed them to those present.

Click~

After a round of blowing smoke rings, Xiao Yulou, seated by the bedside, sighed and offered words of counsel.

"Brother Gu, no matter what circumstances you encounter in the future, you must never act so recklessly again!"

Overwhelmed by lingering fear upon reflection, Gu Mo finally understood the true meaning of hindsight. With a wry smile, he looked into Xiao Yulou's eyes and asked doubtfully.

"Brother Xiao, what is the background of the other party? Why would a zombie suddenly show up knocking on my door?"

The immortal-looking Xiao Yulou took a deep drag from his cigarette and spoke with the air of an elder.

"The sorcery and witchcraft sects of Western Hunan!"

At these words, Gu Mo's heart trembled violently.

As the saying goes: A person who does no wrong in life has no fear of ghosts knocking at midnight!

If not for those two old geezers, Xiang Siye from Western Hunan and Tang Xianshan from the Tang Sect, Gu Mo would certainly never have provoked the witchcraft practitioners of Western Hunan.

Yet, things having reached this point, Gu Mo still remained puzzled.

"Brother Xiao, how can you be so certain that the other party belongs to the Western Hunan clan?"

At this, the immortal-looking Xiao Yulou offered a bitter smile.

"Brother Gu, when you were dueling that wandering zombie shadow, did you notice anything unusual?"

Gu Mo raised his eyebrows and recalled the encounter with deep confusion.

"That zombie had skin of bronze and bones of iron, and its footwork was bizarre beyond measure, practically achieving teleportation..."

As he spoke, a sudden realization struck Gu Mo, bringing a fatal question to mind.

"Right! That zombie didn't give off any stench or other foul odors; faintly, there was even a strong scent of medicinal herbs!"

Hearing this, Xiao Yulou, cigarette dangling from his lips, curved the corner of his mouth into an evil, charming smile.

"Doesn't that prove it? If that wandering shadow weren't backed by the Western Hunan witchcraft sects, how could that zombie have been refined into possessing bronze skin, iron bones, and fierce combat prowess!"

Hoo~

Exhaling a plume of smoke, Gu Mo nodded indifferently upon hearing this.

"So it was enhanced by medicinal herbs; no wonder that guy was so tough! Even with my Measuring Heaven Ruler, I couldn't deal with him at all!"

Just as his voice fell, a sudden thought sparked in Gu Mo's mind.

"Brother Xiao, what about Li Hongyan..."

Before Gu Mo could finish his sentence, Xiao Yulou gave a light cough nearby, cutting him off completely. Gu Mo turned his head accordingly, looking lazily and cozily at the silly Hell King as he spoke.

"My dear wife, your husband didn't harbor any crooked thoughts. I simply wish to resolve this matter quickly, so she doesn't come lingering around and pestering us in the future!"

Abruptly, Hell King Jiang Jingxue raised her eyes to gaze at the nocturnal sky outside the window and said in a deep voice.

"That's easy to handle. This deity will go meet her first!"

The moment those words left her lips, a thick cloud of smoke billowed inside the tiny room. When the smoke finally dissipated, there was no trace of Hell King Jiang Jingxue left anywhere!

Gu Mo sat dumbfounded on the edge of the bed, heaven only knows how the silly Hell King intended to treat his love rival, Li Hongyan...