Eighty-Three: Whispers in the Clear Light

A bleak winter passed in this way, and now all things were awakening, alive with vigor. It was nature’s cycle, and the continuation of life. The spring breeze stirred the curtains and windows, gently turning over a memory long covered in dust, lifting it into the palm of the hand, and letting it drift away on the wind, dissolving into the air...

This spring rain had fallen for an entire month, so fine that one might not even have noticed it was there. Heaven, were these tears shed for me? I looked up at the vast sky and slowly extended my hands, trying to catch the rain and hold it in my palms.

Time hurried on, and without realizing it, you had been gone for half a year. Soon it would be Tomb-Sweeping Day, Lele. Perhaps I should go back and see you too.

I opened my phone’s contacts and, after some hesitation, called Lin Hui.

“Let me go with you...” After hearing that I wanted to visit Lele, Lin Hui seemed uneasy.

“No... it’s fine. I want to talk to Lele alone...” Though I knew she meant well, I still refused without the slightest hesitation.

“Ah, all right then. If anything happens, remember to call me...” Lin Hui did not insist at all, only let out a long, helpless sigh.

I went out alone. Along the way, a thin rain kept falling, and it hurt my heart terribly. The cemetery was crowded with people from every direction, each drawn here by a different purpose, all coming to take part in this solemn annual rite of remembrance.

I did not carry an umbrella, letting the rain fall drop by drop until it soaked through my clothes.

On both sides of the stone path, yellow chrysanthemums trembled helplessly in the wind and rain. Walking up the long flight of steps, my feet felt unbearably heavy.

I kept telling myself that when I saw you, I must not cry. The you I loved should not be someone who wept. Lele, I had to smile as I told you everything that had happened in these months, to tell you happily that I was living very well now.

I did not want you worrying about me all the time. Forget the past, and go in peace...

The closer I came to you, the more my heart tightened for no reason at all. It had been so long since we last saw each other, and yet I had never imagined our reunion would be in such a place. The cold wind whistled past my ears, and I shivered suddenly. Everything before my eyes was dim, like a dream, and your smile seemed to hover faintly right in front of me. I moved closer and saw that you were only sleeping, sleeping so soundly, so peacefully, that I could not bear to wake you.

I had never forgotten how, on so many nights, you would curl in my arms like a little cat and fall into a deep sleep. How long had it been? How long since I had last smelled the fragrance of your hair, felt the warmth of your body, heard your soft voice? From this day on, would there no longer be your left hand beside my right? Lele, tell me, will you truly never wake again?

Lele, do you know? In the days after you were gone, every single day I hid my helplessness behind a smile. I buried you deep in the farthest corner of my heart, and on so many nights I numbed myself with alcohol while struggling to keep a sliver of sobriety. Perhaps only when I stood before you again would I realize that the forgetfulness I always spoke of was nothing but a lie I told myself.

Carefully, I took a ring from my pocket, bent down, and placed it gently before the gravestone. It was an ordinary ring, but it was the style you liked.

“I want to be your wife.”

“What? We... we’re still students, and... and I’m not even old enough...”

“You don’t want to?”

“No... no, that’s not it. Of course I want to, it’s just that my family...”

“My dad dotes on me the most. He would never object!”

“But... but why are you in such a hurry? We’re still so young. We can wait... wait until after graduation!”

...

Lele, hadn’t you said you wanted to be my wife? I promise you—I promise you now—as long as you wake up a little sooner...

I stood motionless before the gravestone, my mind blank. I did not want to speak, and there was nothing to say. Around me, the crowd who had come to sweep the graves and pay respects was noisy and loud, yet I could clearly feel a terrible silence all around me. Powerless, I stroked the cold stone, as though touching those years and memories I could never bear to let go.

“Taking your hand and growing old together. Perhaps that is what this means. Bei Zi Pig, do you think we’ll ever make it to that day?”

“We will! Lele, promise me... promise me that as soon as we graduate, you’ll come to the school and stay with me... In the future, we’re going to raise lots and lots of puppies, and have lots and lots of children...”

...

The past seemed as vivid as yesterday, and for a moment I could no longer hold myself together. So I still could cry—only now I could no longer tell which of the drops on my face were rain and which were tears.

The rain grew heavier and heavier, and in the blur before me, only the childlike innocence of Lele’s smile in the photograph remained...

I turned, preparing to leave, when suddenly I saw Lin Hui.

She was holding an umbrella, standing at the top of the stone steps and watching my every move from afar. When she realized I had seen her, she hurriedly turned to go. But after only a few steps, she stopped. She seemed to hesitate there for a moment, then turned back and walked toward me.

“Sister Hui, why are you here?” Seeing her approach, I quickly wiped the rain from my face and took the umbrella from her hand.

“Wasn’t I worried you might do something foolish because you couldn’t think straight...” Lin Hui looked me over from head to toe. After confirming that I still had both arms and legs, she turned sideways and crouched before Lele’s gravestone. With a lost expression, she gently traced the uneven lines of the inscription, and finally let her gaze fall on the ring before the stone.

“Did you leave this here?” Lin Hui picked up the ring and looked up to ask me.

“Yes.” I held the umbrella and nodded without committing myself one way or the other.

“You idiot.” Lin Hui lowered her head and thought for a moment, then cupped the ring in her palm and rose, steadying herself against the gravestone. “Xiao Bei, do you trust me?”

“I do...” I answered quickly, though I still had no idea what Lin Hui intended to do next.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Lin Hui stroked the ring’s outline with her fingers. “If you leave it here, the moment you turn around someone will take it. I don’t think that’s what you want to see.”

In truth, I had long since expected that outcome. I just did not know why I had still gone ahead and done it.

“Perhaps I can help you take it to Lele...” Lin Hui’s voice was very, very soft.

“Take it to Lele? But she isn’t...” I could not help looking in confusion toward Lele in the gravestone portrait.

“Ah...” Lin Hui hesitated slightly. “I mean... in another way, I’ll take it to her...”

“I... trust you.” I forced a smile at Lin Hui. Though I still had my doubts, in the end I chose to believe her. After all, she was Lele’s sister.

This chapter was revised on October 12, 2010.