Eighty-One: Beneath the Starry Sky

The air in the room was unnaturally still. Braced against the wall, I sat slumped on the floor, staring blankly at Lele’s photograph, forgetting time, forgetting everything around me. The candles burned down grain by grain before my eyes, melting into two shapeless pools of wax on the floor. The faint glow grew dimmer and dimmer, until at last it faded away, and the room sank once more into darkness.

Worn out, I got up and left the room, and for a moment I had no idea what I ought to do. I wandered aimlessly through the campus until, before I knew it, I had come to the front of the school stadium’s grandstand.

I had not forgotten that on a night months ago, I had once come here with Lele:

“Too bad it’s cloudy today. We can’t see the stars.”

“But I saw something prettier than the stars.”

“What is it?”

“You idiot. It’s you.”

“Oh, so that’s how it is! You dare call me an idiot? You little pig, you’re dead meat!”

...

Those words still rang vividly in my ears, yet my world had already changed beyond recognition. Slowly I went down the steps beside the grandstand and chose a corner to sit in, lifting my head to gaze silently into the night sky.

A sky full of stars—Lele, which one of them are you?

I let out a long sigh, then reached into my trouser pocket for a pack of cigarettes I had just bought on Student Street and awkwardly tore open the wrapping. I still remembered how, in my reckless youth, though I could not smoke, I would sometimes take a cigarette from a friend and draw a few casual puffs just for fun. Until one day, Lele, in front of my friends, angrily snatched the cigarette from my hand, flung it to the ground, and ground it underfoot: “Little pig, I don’t like the way you look when you smoke.”

Though I had lost face then and quarreled fiercely with Lele, after that I never touched a cigarette again.

Old people say that burning incense is the only way for the mortal world to communicate with heaven; through the wisps of smoke rising from the incense, those in the sky can know the thoughts and feelings of those below.

Lele, you left so hastily. There were so many things I never had the chance to say to you. Tonight, let me break the rules once and use cigarettes in place of incense, and keep you company for a little talk.

My hand trembling, I lit a cigarette and brought it to my mouth, taking a hard drag. The thick smoke choked me at once, leaving me breathless for a long while. Then I lit two more, because in my memory incense is usually burned in threes.

Carefully, I set the three lit cigarettes side by side before me, and silently watched the tobacco slowly burn away. Three points of flame glared so brightly in the dark night.

“Are you all right?” Just then, a familiar voice came suddenly from behind me.

I knew it was Fanzi. Half an hour earlier I had sent him a text message, asking him to come keep me company for a while. Without turning around, I simply shifted my body aside to make room for someone to sit.

Fanzi sat down beside me. I handed the pack of cigarettes to him, and after a brief hesitation he took one and lit it with my lighter.

“I love her...” Again and again I repeated the vows and promises I had once exchanged with Lele. Fanzi said nothing, head lowered as he smoked, as if listening carefully.

“You love her, but she has already gone. Even if it is for her sake, you have to be strong! You have to live bravely!” Only after I had finished did Fanzi slowly speak. “You wouldn’t want her to be unhappy in heaven, would you?” His voice was calm and earnest.

I could not forget the tenderness of holding hands, the warmth of leaning against one another, or the storms and sunshine we had weathered together. The past is like smoke; every fragment of memory has now become a fixed point in the ledger of my life.

The Buddha says: fate is ordained by Heaven, but separation is made by human hands. In the sky of destiny, your paths in this life were never meant to cross.

I murmured to myself, “Whether our love was deep and our fate shallow or not, I willingly become the plane tree standing at the crossroads of reincarnation, waiting forever and ever for your return...”

The three cigarettes had burned down completely, and the light before me faded little by little: “I know all that, but I just can’t forget her.” I beat hard at my own head, wanting to cry but no tears would come.

To forget—can one really forget? During these days, I had tried desperately to do so, but each remembering after an attempted forgetfulness brought only even more searing pain. Perhaps after the washing of years, one day I would truly be able to cleanse my memories, gradually forget, forget until I no longer knew who she was, or whether she had ever entered my world at all. Only that faint figure in the night would remain, so hazy, so blurred...

“Why must you forget her? Isn’t it better to remember her forever?” Fanzi took a fierce drag on his cigarette, then threw it to the ground and crushed it underfoot.

“But that would be exhausting...” I did not think I had the courage to do that.

“Try it. How would you know if you never try?” Fanzi let out a long sigh, then braced himself on the ground behind him and reclined half-sitting, half-lying, his head tilted back.

Neither of us said anything after that. We simply sat there in silence. The starry sky was still beautiful, but romance belonged to two people.

I looked blankly toward the horizon. Perhaps Fanzi was right. I had forgotten the world for too long, preferring to lock myself inside the cage of memory rather than face anything at all. I had forgotten time, forgotten thought, and forgotten sunlight.

A gentle breeze brushed past my face, soft and warm. “If there is truly another life, I wish to become a wisp of wind, free as the wind...” I remembered Lele once saying those words to me.

My dear, was that wind you? I could not help reaching out, trying to hold it back, but it slipped mischievously through my fingers and vanished without a trace. I could not hold on to the wind, just as I could not hold on to that love which had already slipped away.

“Fanzi, thanks for tonight. It’s too late now. Let’s head back.” I rubbed my thighs, which had gone slightly numb, and struggled to my feet, lightly patting Fanzi on the shoulder.

“Are you going back to the dorm tonight?” Fanzi shook the dust from his clothes and also stood up.

“No... I’m used to sleeping outside.” I gave Fanzi an awkward smile.

“All right then. When you have time, remember to come back to the dorm and sit with us more often. I’m heading back. See you tomorrow.” The dorms were a long way from Student Street. Fanzi made a little cheering gesture toward me, then turned and headed back to the dormitory.

Only after Fanzi’s figure had completely disappeared did I slowly make my way alone toward Student Street. Passing the trash bin, I crumpled the pack of unfinished cigarettes in my pocket into a ball and tossed it in at random.

Perhaps I really had finally let it go...

(Chapter revised on October 11, 2010)